The Dad and the Son
A while back I watched a dad in a confrontation with his son, and I expected to see a full out explosion from the dad.
But it didn’t happen.
His son was in his early teens and fairly mouthy. As he continued to argue, his dad kept his calm, and his answers simple. “No, that’s not going to happen,” were his replies. The son kept pushing what he wanted. Finally, the dad just stayed silent. Finally, the son said, “Well, aren’t you going to say something?”
The dad said, “I would if we can have a reasonable conversation about this.”
It was interesting to note the change, subtle but still a change, that was happening within the son. The dad gave the same answer as before but allowed a hint of a compromise depending on his son’s attitude. Up to that point, the son wasn’t for any compromise, and now he was. They talked a bit more and worked out the decision, and as the son got up to leave, the dad said, “Love you, son.”
The son looked down for a minute and said, “Love you too, dad.” He didn’t say it very loud, but loud enough for the dad to hear.
I thought of the patience of this father and how it worked. We can ramrod kids, but it doesn’t work very well. Sometimes, yes, maybe there is no discussion. Make those moments few. At the same time, the dad set a huge example in self-control.
Out-of-Control Anger
We are in a world that has out-of-control anger. You see it in every stage of life. No compromise! No discussion! My way or the highway! You see it in the political arena; in the breakdown of the family; in schools. It is everywhere. It is almost as though we can’t have any area of compromise or just getting along. This is a potent atmosphere for families, marriages, and communities to survive in. Countries will not survive.
In the Home
The biggest place to learn anger is in the home. It is often taught and well taught. Family members don’t have the ability to respectfully disagree. Now, I know that youth need to learn obedience, and at times absolute obedience if they are about to be hit by a car as they are running and playing. But somewhere there has to be a different process that is learned.
They can learn this process as they are gradually given more say and more control. Any rudeness and everything stops and goes away. Courtesy and compromise bring it back. Youth get that fairly rapidly. They can also learn from our apologies. Sometimes, we just lose it because of other stresses in our lives. They don’t deserve it, and they get it anyway.
The “Hey, I’m sorry. Moment of weakness!” makes a lot of difference in relationships and in examples.
Examples between husbands and wives are huge. If you are disrespectful to your spouse, chances are your kids will feel they can do the same, and they do! It is important that kids know that the parents are in charge of the tone of the home and that to be part of that tone, niceness counts. Homes are not meant to be run by three-year-olds, or five-year-olds, or twelve-year-olds. There are times when their input is asked for and included. Those are great teaching moments. They are not the parents, and in many homes, young children rule the roost.
Family Meetings
Family time is critical to the cohesiveness of the home. Mom and Dad set the time. Anyone can request the meeting, but it shouldn’t just be at times of problems. Some religions have Monday or Sunday nights set aside for family time. The topics range from what’s going on for the next week so everyone can know, fun activities and problem-solving when needed. These times need to be consistent and different kids can plan some of the fun activities or even teach a lesson on honesty or sharing! Family meetings work and can play a big part in the atmosphere of the home.
At the Schools
I have seen wonderful behavior by parents towards schools, and I have seen terrible behavior. In the name of kids, parents often feel they have the right to destroy a teacher or principal. The kids watch this with great interest, and generally not much good is accomplished. It doesn’t mean that things can’t be worked out, but a quiet, calm meeting with the teacher or other staff members can let them know that you are on their side. You know they want to educate your child, and you want that as well. A mother told me, when she said to a teacher, “What can I do to help you?” the teacher got teary eyed. She had never had a parent ask that. The two of them, teacher and parent went to work on that child, and the child knew that both were interested in success rather than failure.
In Our Neighborhoods
This is a critical area, and we don’t always agree. Can we agree to disagree at times? The answer better be yes. We can show by our respectful attitude that we can like the person and still not agree with them. “We maybe in different parts of the house in this vote, but hey, we still can have a great barbecue in the yard!” That was a quote that was made at a very contentious meeting over a decision involving a new road and subdivision. The humor made people smile, and the meeting became one of compromise rather than anger.
Destructive to All
Total anger leads to the total breakdown of civility which is highly destructive to all. We have to have the ability to get along, be positive, and still reach out. We might not all agree, that is for sure but here is where the ability to hold the line is so critical.
Holding the line basically means staying under control. It means staying workable as much as possible. It means reaching out in other areas, while not agreeing in some. When someone holds the line, it means they are staying under control. They have a viewpoint, but they are not destructive about it. Look around, and you will note those who have the ability to hold the line.
Holding the Line When We Don’t Agree
In the military, holding the line made the difference between life and death. It was the difference between winning and losing. It took bravery and courage to make a stand and not bolt and run. With that in mind, it can apply to us in a completely different way, but it would involve the same type of moral courage.
As the above paragraphs have stated, we have to have the ability to stand our ground in our family without being destructive. We have to have the ability to stand our ground in our neighborhoods without being destructive. We have to be able to agree to disagree, reach out and reach over the lines. If we do not teach this in our families first, it is much harder to learn.
I have a Middle Eastern neighbor. We love to talk. We talk about everything! His background is fascinating, and what he sees in the United States is as well. We enjoy seeing each other, and we love to have a good gab! He is him and I am me. He isn’t going to change and neither am I in our beliefs, but I care a great deal about him. He is a person, a person of worth, and I love our interchanges.
I am a religious person, and I have many friends who are not at all, or they are diametrically opposed to religion and they consider it destructive in the world. We have great conversations, and I always tell them I appreciate talking with them and enjoy them as people. I have also met very destructive people who are filled with anger to the point of hatred. They are destructive to anyone who cannot agree with them. How often does the world get run by them!
So, work hard to hold the line in civility! Work hard to hold the line in reaching out! Work hard to hold the line and give compassion and help when needed! Work hard to hold the line with your own temper, when temper is flying around. What a happier world we would have!
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