I think everyone has had moments of utter despair. Despair is deeper than depression, or so intertwined with depression that the person cannot see past the moment. It isn’t always over circumstances, although circumstances definitely can make a tremendous impact. A lot of it has to do with our state of thinking and our ways of working out problems.
Events That Can Create Despair
War
War can bring about despair. It is a constant vision and sound of destruction. Whether you are a civilian or a soldier you will be affected enormously. War is the opposite of everything that is good, even if it has to be fought to defend freedoms. Good men and women often have to do things they would normally never do.
Some cope better than others. Having talked to people who have come off the battlefield, I learned that the ones who had faith in something did better than those who had no faith at all. It could be the hope of seeing loved ones again, or perhaps of having a nation stand that would have fallen.
Do they have scars? Yes, and they will have despair unless they deal with their emotions and get out the door and live life. In talking with a son of a holocaust family, he was bitter and angry over his parents’ detainment in a concentration camp until the allied forces freed them. He told me that his parents could deal better with what they had gone through than he could. He was so angry and bitter and wondered why they were they able to go through such terrible things and still have a positive outlook on life.
Somehow while living in horror they beat the despair that enveloped the camps. They kept thinking that if they lived, they would make a difference in others’ lives. They did.
Did they have nightmares? Yes. Did it leave scars? Yes. But it also left an indomitable will that no matter how ugly life could be, they did not have to give up or give in to the spirit of despair.
Depression
Life in itself is full of trials. There is neither a family nor a person who does not experience trials, often to the breaking point. So, what do we do with those times in our lives? The first thought is to not give in to the spirit of despair. Note, I say the spirit of despair. There is a spirit in despair that is not from a Higher Power; it is from just the opposite. That doesn’t mean depression isn’t real and isn’t caused by many things-but depression is not despair.
I have known people who have fought depression most of their life. I have noticed in my career that more people are downers than uppers. What’s that mean? It means that we aren’t running around being bubbly all the time. There are flat times, and troubling times. Our life is not made up of one continuous round of Disneyland.
Divorce
The period of time when divorce is fresh on the table; either the spouse has left or the divorce is coming to a head, can be a very dangerous and despairing time. I have counseled people who come for an appointment and could tell that they were in serious trouble. In one situation, the wife had found out that an affair had gone on for a long time, and that what she thought was, wasn’t. She told me that she didn’t care if she lived or died.
I met with her a number of times in a row so that we could get on top of this despair. She had to see a doctor to get some extra help physically so she could sleep, but she also went to work on her. By the end of the week, she had gone from despair to some anger! Good! Now at least she was thinking and on her way out of a pit of despair. She also had to learn to “Let Go and Let God” – part of the 12 step program for AA and other programs. Over the next several months she worked on becoming her as her and dealing with what life handed her. Since then she has been responsible for doing a great deal for others. But oh, that moment of despair!
Physical Trials
Years of Being in a Wheelchair
In listening to a recent Women’s Conference put on by the LDS church, the speaker was commenting about the will of a woman confined to a wheelchair for the past 15 years as she dealt with a “debilitating, difficult and progressive disease called inclusion body myositis. Though confined to her wheelchair, she strives to be grateful and keeps up her ‘Can Can List’: a running list of things she can do, such as I can breathe, I can swallow, I can pray, and I can feel my Savior’s love. She bears her Christ-centered certain witness almost daily to family and friends.”
She stays positive, and she continues to deal with a tough situation. I’m sure she gets depressed. I’m sure she has many moments of sadness, but I didn’t detect despair. She was going to do all she could do with her life’s situation.
Polio and Confinement to an Iron Lung
When I was quite young I was asked to read to a woman who was confined to an iron lung. Polio had taken her ability to breathe away, and she had already been in this state for a number of years. Most of the younger readers of this article would hardly understand the threat of polio because the vaccine brought polio to a halt in this country. For her, it was not early enough.
We got in many conversations, and I asked her how she managed to do it. She had still been the mother to her children, although with the help of her husband. She told me that she had long conversations with her children that she often never had time for when she was active in the home. As she was telling me about the positive things she learned to do with her time, I asked her how hard was it to get to that point. Did she have despair? Yes, she did.
She told me that the first year was literally hell on earth for her. Every little wrinkle on the sheet that she could not straighten out would feel like a knife sticking in her. She could feel, she just couldn’t move. She was so angry. Why? Why her? She was a good woman; a good wife and mother! Why?
She went from despair to anger; anger back to despair and finally she knew she wasn’t going to die, had no way to create death for herself, so what was she going to do about it? She told me her prayers went from despairing, frightened prayers to prayers asking for the ability to bear this burden. She asked to see the ways she could use it for good. She asked for ways to still mother her children. She told me that up to that point she wouldn’t have been open to anything except to be able to jump up and get on with her life in the way she wanted. She was mad at everyone, including God.
It is part of life!
As she told me the story she commented that part of the change was her attitude towards God. She didn’t think God had done it to her; it was just part of life. Many people during that period had been stricken with polio; some lived; many died. It was one of the major fears of everyone that somehow polio would afflict their family. Well, it did. It afflicted her. As she sorted this out, a peace started to come into her thoughts and her whole being. She realized she could still contribute. She could still mother her children. She could still be a wife to her husband. She still was her!
She has learned, after visiting with those who have come to spend time with her, that everyone has trials. Everyone has those moments of wanting to give up. Her comment was: “It is just part of life.”
Addiction and Despair
Addiction, particularly if one is trying to stop the process or habit of addiction, seems like a never-ending tunnel of roadblocks and emotional weakness. I think it is important to take addiction as it is. It is a terrible, costly, destructive process that has been started by conspiring minds and in effect has hit almost every household in America. The despair from this particular problem is built into the drugs as well as line on line in the person who is under their influence. Many want to stop, but this is a powerful drive; our mind in its most needy way, doesn’t want it to stop. The natural “feel good” drugs our own body puts out for our benefit have been curtailed or destroyed all together.
I believe in good and evil, and as I stated earlier, I believe this has nothing but destruction attached to it or involved with it. It’s not just the person who is addicted, but if you travel backward on the hands that have been involved in the making of it; the selling of it; the gangs and others who benefit from it; those who are victims of of it; children, families and much more. To me, it is one of the greatest evils perpetrated on the world’s history.
People have gotten out of it!
It is a battle, and part of the battle is mental and physical, but this is the time when the spiritual has to kick into high gear. The people I have seen win this battle have done it with the help of a higher power. Once they truly involved that higher power, their thinking began to change; they could start to see a process of change physically as well.
As one told me, “You’ll go through hell the first year,” but then life becomes heaven when you realize you are free! I’m not saying it’s easy, but there is no comparison to being under the capture of the drug and those who profit from it.
This is the most addictive age ever. We can be addicted to porn to the point that we stay holed up with our computers for hours at a time. That isn’t life. There is despair that often comes from this. This isn’t love, or anything like it. I repeat, this is the most addictive age ever.
Fight back!
We can feel that there are many things we have lost control over. I think what I’m saying is that when you feel despair, start the fight. Fight back, and take the hard look. Get a higher power back in your life, and ask for change. What can you do to change that will help in this situation? For those in war, it was hope in a greater cause and that they would be able handle their situation as well as they could. If it is divorce, again, look at what needs to be changed, and if you need to change, than change it! If you are in a situation you can’t change, then accept it and move on.
Despair always comes from the adversary; not from adversity. We all have adversity in our lives; some of our own making, which we can grow from, some because it’s part of life. My philosophy is that where there is life there is hope, and hope gives us the ability to cope, to survive, and grow. I’ve seen people come through very tough trials, and there is a higher power that knows our names and will reach back if we will but reach up!
Points to Keep in Mind
- Decide to fight back
- Be prepared for the fight
- Start changing one thing at a time about your habit or situation
- Go get help; either from free groups or a paid counselor
Don’t let go of hope. Remember it’s a fight, and you can and will win!
Debra stephens says
Thanks so much Bobby… I will share it with my daughter to