Sometimes we have just had it! We have had it with life, with others, and sometimes even with ourselves. I have met and counseled with many people who walk in the door and this is what comes out of their mouth: “I have just had it! I don’t want to do this anymore, I won’t put up with it anymore, and I’m just done.” Have you ever said those words? I know I have, and they are actually very inaccurate. We may feel that way, and we are sick and tired of certain things, but we can’t just magically make it go away. What if it is your spouse, your child, extended family or job?
The list goes on.
What do we really mean?
What we are really saying is that we don’t like what is going on. We have decisions and choices we have to look at. Some are little and a momentary thing. Others are huge and will be life changing. So let’s take some of these apart.
Just normal stuff!
Most of the time, we really don’t mean it literally when we say “I’ve had it” or “I’m done.” For example: my reaction to my son’s bedroom each morning. Most of the time it is calm, but there are days that I tell him I have just had it! What does that actually mean? He sizes me up, and he tries to figure out what that actually means to him. How mad am I? What’s it going to cost him? I calm down, he moves some things around, and another day goes forth. Did I really mean anything? Yes, I am sending him a message that he needs to get better at cleaning his room. Does it work? Yes, for a week or two.
Now is the above bad? No, it is called being a mom. Every day has different scenarios, but for the most part we aren’t going to walk out the door. We haven’t truly had it; we are just voicing our frustration at the moment. This is generally what goes on in the home. A lot of talk, some action, and believe it or not, kids get better.
Husbands and Wives
I think it depends on the day and how often this grumbling goes on. If it is to yourself, in your own mind as you clean up the mess in the garage , or see more money spent at the parts store (oh, and he forgot to tell you), those would be normal. We learn to tolerate a lot from our spouses because we need to. Neither spouse is generally perfect, or at least I haven’t met any yet, and there has to be a lot of tolerance involved. There has to also be a lot of “biting your tongue,” as speaking out of anger generally doesn’t work well in a marriage.
When to pay attention to what’s going on.
But what if it isn’t just normal growth in the marriage? What if there is a buildup of real resentment. Then, this becomes important, and our issues must be addressed. If we are continuously saying to ourselves about our spouse: “I have just had it! I don’t want to be here! I am tired of putting up with it,” and we still feel that way after things have calmed down, then the issue or issues have to be addressed. We can tell if something is going on by our spouse’s actions or attitude. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that there is a problem that needs resolution.
We all have our times!
First of all, there isn’t a marriage where we don’t have some serious times that come up. We are going to wonder one time or another if we were out of our minds to get married! Blind love turns into criticizing love, which in turn almost destroys the love that was there in the first place. When we see things going past the norm, then it has to be addressed.
Find a time and a place that works!
When it gets serious, it is time to talk, but it is important to have a time and a place. Don’t get pushed into an early conversation, just because the other person wants to talk “now.” They can wait, because how we do this becomes important. Don’t be rude, listen if they start talking and then ask for time to think on what they have said. Time is important. Time to talk; time to ponder; time to talk again; time to ponder again as both people look at their side and the other person’s side. Big problems take time. It doesn’t have to be super organized, but we do need time to reflect and come back to the conversation. Sometimes we have to agree to talk the next day. Nothing has to be settled immediately. When someone says, “Well, can we talk about this again a little later?” then let that happen.
I knew one man that would go to the bathroom, because it was the only place he could go where he wasn’t followed. He would then state that he needed time to think. The wife kept talking through the door, but finally even she realized he was not coming out until things quieted down. In fact, after years of marriage one would joke to the other one: “watch out I might head to the bathroom!” and they would both laugh. It is good to keep a good sense of humor no matter what is going on!
Another way for one couple is they write notes. The husband is not much of a talker, so he likes that fact that she will spell it out ( kindly) and that gives him time to think and ponder it out. He will then bring it up and what he feels, and it works! You will each have to find your own way but the point is make it happen!
What if the other one doesn’t and won’t work it out?
If one person says, “Well I’m sick of talking,” you can explain carefully, that this is important. This isn’t idle. If they value the marriage, we need to continue to talk it out until we both feel good, or have grown. When we start hardening our stances or refuse to talk we are sending a message that we don’t care about what the other person feels. Now this is treading on some dangerous ground. If we don’t care, then counseling becomes imperative. There is a lot going on now, and an outside person with skills can make a huge difference!
We are really different!
Regarding the difference between men and women, well I bet you know exactly what’s coming!! Men generally say a few words and women often say many. That’s OK. He is not you and you are not him. Vice-a versa. Be patient with each other. The point is to work out some tough areas and everyone has to do it. For the most part we do care; we just get locked into our ways. Don’t store up grudges; keep life fun with both your spouse and your children. We get so serious so much of the time. We do have to have serious times, but we need light, fun, enjoyable times as a family. Go for a walk! Get away from the electronics and enjoy each other. There is so much to enjoy about each other if we will just look for it!
Leave a Reply