Listen to me! I told you I was sick!

The other day I was looking at some pictures of old headstones when one popped up that said “I told you I was sick.”

That was all it said except for a small name at the bottom. At first I laughed. One never sees headstones like that anymore! Then I wondered who buried them and decided to put that on the headstone. The next thought was on the person buried. Did that person keep telling people of feeling sick, or worry?

Was the person ignored?

As I continued looking, I noticed there were more with that statement. Some of the headstones were as late as the 1970’s. I guess in some funny way, someone had the last word. Either the person dying said to put it on their headstone, or the person burying the deceased decided it was appropriate. Maybe the last word really was “I told you so!!”

In looking at our relationships, I wondered how many times we have said, “I told you!” “You’re never listening to me!” It says something about us, how we feel, and how we treat each other. So in looking at ourselves, how much do we hear? Really hear? Often in families, statements like the following will be said:

“I really need this from you.”

“I don’t appreciate it when you do this.”

“Would you please spend more time with me?”

“You don’t stop long enough to listen to me!”

So, what do we do?

The above statements are important. We do need to pay attention to the person or persons who are saying these words, and stop and take the time to listen. How do we do this? Well, don’t count on doing it perfectly, but if we try, that counts.

Let’s take families in the home first.

First, have electronic free times. TVs are off, and so are other electronic devices. There are certain key times. First is in the evening, there is a period of time that can be a great pause time for the family. Call it family time, and do something, even if it is for a short period. When kids go to bed they go without their phones, iPads, etc. There is more going on in homes after bedtime than the parents are even aware of. (See article: “Who in your home? You won’t see them!”)

Moms

First: As Moms, listen for key words in the chatter. Sometimes those key words are more of a tone than a particular word. If you get a sense that you need to double-time your listening, then do it. Sometimes in meandering conversations, comments come out that will catch your attention. Get a hold of that moment, and be ready to shift gears if necessary.

Second: Have particular times when it is just you and your child. Bedtime and reading is good. Yes, we can read as a group and have a prayer as a group, but one-on-one is where it happens. Each child needs to have your personal attention, even if it is for five minutes. Get them in the habit of hearing the question, “So did anything special happen today?” Did you see anything interesting or do anything you haven’t done before?” Make your questions interesting. It doesn’t take much time, but your children know that they are special to you, each one by one.

Third: Go for walks with your kids. It is amazing how much talking happens on a walk. If you start when they are younger, it will keep on happening. You can bike ride as well. It doesn’t need to happen every day, but at least once a week.

Fourth: Yes, keep your house clean, but converse while you are doing it if possible. Remember, they will remember having a clean house, but they will never remember it as being spotless unless it is negative memory.

Fifth: If you work, don’t defeat yourself by feeling guilty that you can’t do enough. Pick the most important thing, get it done, and then spend at least a half hour with kids before you fall into bed.

The biggest thing for moms is that we have a tendency to maximize everything we haven’t gotten done in the day, rather than looking at what we have gotten done. Let’s maximize everything we have gotten done and minimize what we didn’t get done!!

Dads: Get involved!

It is not always about work. Work is critical, it is true, but it can’t be the only thing. Somehow time has to be made. Help mom so that you both can do things as a family. I was visiting a home where a mom was dealing with six children. It was pretty crazy at times, but she handled it well. When the dad came home, I was very surprised at what he did.

First, let me say that this Dad was a head of a division of a very large company. He was busy and I am sure just as tired as Mom. He immediately took the little ones and started getting what needed to be done with them; he then started a load of wash, and wiped down some areas in the kitchen. All the time, there was talking from everyone going on. It was organized good chaos. Because both of them were involved, the kids were involved and the chatter was continuous.

It was the dad that made sure that the homework started with the kids at school. During this time, the TV was off. The electronics, other than homework were off. The dad stated that none of them go to bed with their cell phones. They go in a basket and they get them in the morning. (It was funny to see cell phones lined up, plugged in, waiting for the next day.

Marriage Listening:

When you have little, little children, for the most part there is very little down time. Both the husband and wife are generally stretched. Date nights, or date days are critical. Husband you’re the one in charge of making it happen! By the way, to make the date night effective, it needs to be minus children. Help in getting a sitter.
Another area is men and women go after problems differently. Women will talk a lot and men talk a little. Women need to be really watchful as well as listening. Men have a tendency to come home often and put (not literally) a paper bag over their head. They don’t see and don’t hear and the wife gets ticked. For the wife, just take a minute and sit down, grab a hand, and ask how did his day really go, or what would he really like? Would he like a glass of pop or a minute to relax? Just taking the time to pause with your husband becomes important to him. By getting a few comments from his wife, he feels much more plugged into his wife and her day.

For men, another area is not becoming another kid. That sounds tough, but I have heard it often from the spouses. “He just comes home, and is just another responsibility.” So again, take a pause, and wives make sure they get that pause if possible, and then dive in. Help! It will get you many points!

Those Quiet Acts of Love:

There are many small gestures that say volumes of care going from one spouse to another. Manners are important for both the adults and the children. Children need to see dad open the door and always help pick up the heavy things. The more dad shows respect for their mom, the more the children know what to expect from their spouse to be. It is sad but true that abused children pick abusive spouses. Mistreated moms generally have girls who have a high tolerance for mistreatment from their boyfriends or spouses. Children need to see acts of love and courtesy.

To sum it up, listen up, take time to give time! Be affectionate, and don’t worry about whether everything is perfect or not. It for sure won’t be. Keep a good sense of humor and, believe it or not, when the children are grown, and the two of you are looking at each other, you will still like each other as well as love each other.