We often wonder why our relationships with others do not change particularly when they turn negative. It can be with very close relationships such as with spouses and our children. It can be with our parents or different members of our extended families. It can even occur at work or in neighborhoods. It is destructive and lasting in its effects, both upon us or those that we are involved with.
This is not to say that it starts with us; many times it does not. It does mean that it needs to end with us. We are the only ones who can control our behaviors that could bring about the change that is needed. Many times we don’t really care if we have poor relationships if they don’t affect us day by day. Those relationships do affect us though in ways perhaps we have not thought of. Anything that is negative affects our mind set, our health, and our spiritual growth. There isn’t anything really neutral about the relationships that we are in.
Up Close and Personal
Let’s take some common relationships up close and personal. How about one’s spouse. I have heard so many comments like the following: “We used to be so close.” “We used to talk. We are now miles apart.” “I wonder if he or she has someone else.” Behind each of these comments is pain. The pain of aloneness or feeling rejected. With that pain, there come behaviors that often lock in the very distance we want to change.
How is that? Take your tone of voice to begin with. When you were growing up, haven’t you heard a certain tone from one of your parents that told you, regardless of their choice of words that you were in trouble? “Hi, dear, glad you’re home!” Her Mom said. In reality Mom was saying: “even though you are older I don’t approve of the time you have just come in!” You role your eyes as you walk away. You got the message, and she knows your attitude. You both just conveyed a lot of conversation that was unsaid.
In some families you can fast forward that same relationship twenty years and the voices and looks are still the same. I had a mother tell me that her daughter only knows her in one way, as her mother role when she was a child. She explained that she would love to be a friend to her daughter, but her daughter won’t allow it. They were both locked into a relationship that neither one liked.
Husbands and Wives
Husbands and wives can be locked in their relationships the same way. A wife told me that she had come to hate her husband, although she would never have said those words out loud to him. She then told me everything he had ever done wrong and would for sure continue to do wrong in the future. She was very critical and very unhappy. I asked her why she didn’t get a divorce. “Oh, I would never divorce him.” she said. “He is a good man and has been a good father to the kids. I’m not going to start all over.”
I asked her to explain all of that to me spiritually. “What?” She asked. “Explain this to me,” I said. “How this works spiritually. You don’t like him, but you use him. Have I got that correctly?” She then proceeded to tell me how at one time they use to be close and then kids and work came along and somehow their relationship just changed. It was as though they were locked into a relationship that neither liked.
We discussed how to change it, and if she really wanted to change it. After many conversations she tearfully told me that she knew that she had just hardened up towards him, but yes, she did care. We than discussed how the Lord sees each one of us and sees our strengths and our weaknesses. Perhaps we should try and look at our relationships through the Lord’ss eyes. I asked her “Look at him, prayerfully, and ask the Lord to soften your heart and his. Do you think you can put your trust in God and that he can help you out here?
The Miracle of Involving the Lord
Two weeks later a different woman walked through the door. She was the same one I had been meeting with, but her entire countenance had changed. She then proceeded to tell me how one night after days of much thought and prayer she began to see her husband differently. She saw the patience and the soft heart this man had. She also saw the hurt and loneliness that he carried. The next day she felt a great sorrow to know that she had, in her hurt and anger, locked him into a world he could hardly bear as well.
The next night she reached over, taking his hand started to tell him of the gratitude that was in her heart for all of the many acts of kindness he had done for his family. She thanked him for putting up with her and for the patience he showed towards her impatience. For a while he was just silent, and then tears started streaming down his face. He could hardly speak. She reached over and completely took him in her arms and held him as he cried. She told him how sorry she was for her impatience and lack of lovingness that she often showed. He told her how he had always loved her, but never felt he could truly make her happy. After much time had gone by, they both knelt in prayer and life started differently for them as a couple from that time on.
Unlock the Embrace of Negativity for the Embrace of Love
We can unlock the embrace of negativity for the embrace of love. It is Christ’s pure love which teaches that wonderful attribute of charity one with another. It is a Christ-like attribute that we all need to learn. In fact, we have to learn this attribute to become like Him. Look at your relationships all the way around. Most of us could benefit from taking that second look not only at ourselves but at those around us. Then our voices would change and the inside and the outside would match!
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