It is not how good you are when you are good, but how bad are you when you are bad

Many years ago, I was standing in front of a school waiting for a program, when I watched a mom tear into the teacher in charge of the program. She was shouting, waving her finger in the teacher’s face and, in no uncertain terms, telling that teacher what a poor, unorganized, inept and wretched person she was. This whole scene was over the fact that this Mom’s daughter was not picked for one of the singing parts, when her daughter had worked so hard in trying out.

Wow! We were all standing there watching this scene with our mouths open. This was a terrible and an embarrassing moment for all. Then I realized that this person was in our church. As I took all of this in, I thought about how good this lady was normally. She did a lot of good in the community; she was always friendly and well-mannered, but here she was, an absolute lethal weapon for this teacher. The thought then hit me. It is not only about how good we are when we are good, but what we are like when we choose not to be good. Who gave us permission to drop our religion at the door? Why do we think, that in the name of family, we can be so destructive?

Since then I have watched good people do some terribly destructive things. If you asked people they consider destructive behavior is, they will bring up drugs, child abuse, spousal abuse, stealing, and other obviously taboo things. When you ask them – “Do you feel that you have the right, in the name of your child, to become abusive?”- they always look troubled.

For instance, in a game, when you feel your coach doesn’t play your child enough or any other time or area when you feel your child is slighted, how do you react? How do we all react? When is it OK to become verbally abusive to anyone? Often in these discussions, parents or sometimes grandparents will look uncomfortable, but then comment, “Well, when it is my family I will get very proactive.” When is proactive not Christ –like behavior? Well, most of the time.

Let me give you another example. A father, whose wife had died, re-married. He and his new wife were married for ten years, which is a fairly extensive period of time. He had a stroke, and as he and his wife were struggling to figure out how to deal with all of this, the children moved in. I don’t mean they moved into the home, no they moved in for the kill. They were determined that this woman, who was not their mother, was not going to get a hold of one dime of their father’s. They were fairly high-powered children; several had enough money to hire some very expensive attorneys (she couldn’t begin to hire anyone like that). They pulled out all the possible ways to keep her from seeing her husband, from caring for her husband. They even took him from the nursing home an hour before she was to take him home. Then all conversations that she wanted with her husband had to be with one of the children present. When she tried to oppose them, she was told that he (even though he had done this after his stroke) had appointed his children as his guardians and they were in total charge of all aspects of his life. His children literally divorced him from his wife.

This man’s children were far more concerned about the state of their father’s money than they were in his rights or even the rights of a marriage. They used their own money to be very destructive. The most egregious ones were very active in church. I am sure that they felt very justified in everything they did. This was their father, and this was NOT their mother. They owed her nothing. She got nothing but absolute heartache.

How could people this good behave so badly? I’m sure, in their wildest dreams they would never consider themselves destructive or abusive, but they were. One was even heard to remark to one of the attorneys, “Perhaps we were a bit hard on her.” Yes, they were.

I think that in the heavens, when we all are face to face again, it will be an interesting conversation to hear when this father and his children are together again, particularly when all our earthly behaviors are open and there are no lies. Only what is truly real shows. Everything is honest and open!

So, what about the areas of life that we feel are unjust. What happens when life isn’t fair? We have the world’s way, and we have the Lord’s way. I think the only way to look at all of this is to look at Christ-like attributes and characteristics that we are to learn here on this earth. One important one that comes into play in most areas is called meekness. What is that? We often think of meekness as weakness, but it is not. You cannot be weak and meek at the same time. Meekness is the ability to win and you choose to lose for someone else’s sake.

Let me give you an example. I have a handicapped son, Trenton. He is now thirty. When he was little I took him to a specialized school, which was hard to find in those days. The program that Trenton and I attended started from birth. I took him every day to an intensive program of infant stimulation which later became part of the regular school system, by law, starting at age 3.

I would work with Trenton under their guidance for three hours every day. We worked with every aspect of his body, trying to stimulate all aspects of his brain. You could see this training slowly making a difference. I then took him to a specialized kinder clinic in Germany that specialized in treating children with Down Syndrome. We stayed there for a week and then back to Riverside. When he was four, we moved to Nevada, and suddenly we didn’t have the same quality of program. In fact, hardly any area did.

I became very frustrated. I had become a trained legal advocate for the handicapped while in California, and I knew my rights and Trenton’s rights. So, I was right and they were wrong. They actually did a lot of things right, but not all, so the war was on. I called the state education department and complained, and a special meeting was set up with the district, staff and principal. I prepared as though I was an attorney.

I also was teaching a type of adult institute of religion class, which I had done in California as well. The class topic was on meekness. I remember pondering about how you would truly do all of this, and when was meekness just being weak. As a counselor, I had certainly had to train many people to stand up and have a voice to those who were abusive of them. So how did all of this work? With that in mind, I prayed that morning, that I would have a better understanding on how meekness worked, and also prayed, “Lord, make sure I win for Trenton’s sake today.”

About an hour before the meeting, I was gathering all of my papers and I decided to have another prayer. I started my prayer with my justifying why I needed the Lord’s help. I always pause, so if there is a thought, at least I could hear it. As I paused, the thought very clearly came, “Go in there and choose to lose.” It was such a point blank statement; there wasn’t much room for a misunderstanding. What in the world did that mean? Choose to lose. I was right! They were wrong! It literally knocked all of the thought processes right out of me. But, I also knew that voice. I’ve learned to never ignore it. So, I went in, wildly trying to figure out how to regroup.

I would say that the group was slightly hostile. They were civil and polite, but one could tell they were very defensive and upset that I would have called the state on them. Before we started, I asked if I could say a few words. They all looked even more apprehensive at that request, but they obliged. The Superintendent told me to go ahead. “Well,” I said, “I appreciate that all of you have agreed to meet with me this morning and help with Trenton. It is hard to have a handicapped son, and as a parent, you are the one that makes sure that they get what they need. It is a lifelong thing. In this process though, I am sure that sometimes we become too much the parent, and forget how many other people are trying to help. I know that you are trying to help. Yes, there is always more, but I apologize for causing hard feelings. I am grateful for what you do, and I guess what I would like to say is how can I help you? Are there things your program needs that I could help with? How can I help?”

Well, there was stunned silence to say the least. The entire atmosphere in the room changed and we became a team working together. When the meeting was done, we were all shaking hands and hugging each other. As I left, I got in my car and drove out one of the dirt roads behind the community. This had been a hard experience for me, even though I saw all of the good that came out of it. I was not used to backing down, especially when I was right, and they were wrong! I got out of the car and dropped to my knees, and said, “Ok, Lord, what was all of that about?” The answer I received stunned me. “Now you have learned meekness.” That is when I realized that you could win no matter what, no matter how many bodies were on the floor after you were done – yet everything could change by choosing to lose. There were no bodies on the floor. Every one benefited. The right spirit entered the problem.

I found out later that there were many other dynamics in that meeting. If I had proceeded the world’s way, it would have had an effect on a few in that room in ways I wasn’t aware of. They had their problems and their personal dynamics that the Lord was aware of as well. The Lord loves all of us and knows what all of us are dealing with. Thank goodness I didn’t charge forward.

I learned that there are ways to handle life’s problems other than the world’s ways. Lets take the school problem mentioned at the beginning of this article. The mom could have met with the teacher privately. She could have presented her concerns privately and without malice. She could have listened to the other side. If she disagreed, she had a decision to make. What harm was actually happening? Hurt feelings are part of life. Would she be helping or enabling her child by always jumping into things? Our children need to learn that often they don’t get picked! Things do go wrong and they need to know how to handle disappointments. In handling this situation there were many directions this could have gone that would not have been abusive. We can disagree without being disagreeable and certainly without being abusive.

The family who decided to take charge of their dad probably did as much damage as you can do within a family both temporally and eternally. Marriage is ordained by God. It is not the children who decide who stays married and who does not. This woman would have taken good care of her husband and never had the opportunity. So what if the money was spent in his care? What is money eternally? Perhaps they could have, as fellow brothers and sisters in the gospel, gone and asked what they could do to help. What days could they have taken turns to help with their father? Could they all chip in financially to help? All of that would change the tenor from selfish to giving, which also changes all the people in the situation. It would have affected the spirit which would have had an effect upon them all.

Why can’t we use the Lord’s way?

Very seldom do you see meek and peaceful people. Yet, that is what we are asked to become by our God. In counseling, we often ask people why they are so reactive? Why did that situation provoke such a reaction from you? They all have answers that are simple to begin with and then get more complex. Then they finally get very simple again. It is usually connected to hurt, feeling left out, wanting control, and sometimes just flat greed for whatever the person wants.

So, what to do? Do no damage. Let me repeat this. Do no damage. Life has all kinds of injustices. People have weaknesses. No one is perfect. Why do we expect perfection from others when we don’t expect it from ourselves? We are mortal. No one gets up in the morning and says to themselves, “Now, who can I offend today?” Yet, we offend each other all the time, families even more because it is up close and personal. Again, we can disagree and do it with courtesy and kindness.

Most of us can learn to handle life’s problems the Lord’s way. It is harder, and it is definitely more rewarding. Usually we don’t get gain, power, or the upper hand. Often we look weak in the world’s eyes, but no matter. It is only the Lord’s eyes that count.

The question is, can you be meek? Can you be good even under very difficult situations and be prayerful and careful about every hard situation that you are in. Listening to that answer to my prayer to “go in there and lose” was difficult, but the reward was so wonderful and long lasting. Trust in God, my friends. He sees it all.