One Step Forward, 10 Steps Back: When to Help

When our children are little, we are to be hovering. We are to protect, guide, train, and prepare them for adulthood. Slowly, as they begin to grow, we need to hover less and less, and begin to prepare them more and more to be capable of making their own decisions with our guidance. When they are adults, it is critical that we allow their decisions to have consequences. We have many adult children running around, still living at home; still dependent upon their parents or someone else, and possibly behaving as children with their own children. So, let us look at each of levels of growth.

First when we have babies, we are 100% responsible for everything in their lives. As they begin to get older, two and three years old, we begin the training process. Certain guidelines start; “don’t hit or bite “or “don’t throw your toys”. These are all critical areas to start the guiding process. (I know adults who still hit and throw).

It is interesting to watch three and four year olds handle their anger. They know they had better not hit and throw, so they kind of do the “hit yourself’ routine. They will kind of hit the side of their leg, or stomp, but they don’t hit or kick. They are in the first stages of self-control.

As they get older they learn to negotiate. This is another critical step. How do you get the toy your baby brother has, without violence? Maybe one has to wait. Maybe one has to enlist another negotiator (such as Mom or Dad) if baby brother just keeps taking the toy. Maybe one has to go somewhere else to play! All of these types of thoughts can be suggested by Mom who can be close, but not necessarily jumping in right away.

The age of eight to twelve is considered the logical, well organized age. This is the best time in your child’s life to literally saturate them with knowledge and training. They want to know and they want to be fair and right. They want to be with you. They want to know everything you know. They want to share. Unfortunately, because this age is easy, we have a tendency to shuttle them from activity to activity and allow others to have a far greater influence then we do as parents. In a way, it is like they are on a basketball court, making basket after basket, without an opposing team. We of course, are their coaches.

TV and games are also often an answer to the early ages; the pre-teen, the teen ages, and the young adult ages. I guess we could throw in texting as well. Research has shown that being tech savvy in and of itself is not negative, but large amount of flat screened approaches truly have an effect on the brain. I think the reason we often allow it, is it is quiet for us. Again valuable time lost from us. This is the time we should be very involved with our children, but not necessarily solving all of their problems.

We can teach concepts and then ask them, “so what are you going to do about this?” “How would you solve this problem?” If we power pack these times with US to THEM time, and not THEM to others, we can make a powerful impression and strengthen their abilities to solve and handle life’s problems.

If we don’t, then suddenly we hit the teenager time, and they truly are not as interested in us, as we become in them. They would rather get advice from their friends then from their parents. They become more private, and sometimes more hidden. We sense that and try to jump in. The result is often conflict.

Now what do we do? We’ve lost some valuable time, but it is still workable. One of the things is to be there and involved. Talk to their teachers, without trying to solve the child’s problems. No homework done? What are they going to do to solve the problem? Have some natural sets of consequences: Homework not done-not going to places. It is alright to be on top of the problems without solving their problems. I watched parents actually do their child’s homework so they as well as their child didn’t have to deal with the problem. Some of them actually had their own handwriting on the page!

We can tell them that we want them to go and have fun! We can tell them we want them to be able to play their sport! We can tell them we want them to be able to use their cell phone! So, just solve the problem. I, as your parent, who loves you, can’t and won’t do it for you. I would do you no favors by solving all of your problems.

So, being aware is good! Being involved is good! Solving all of the problems is not so good. One way to look at it is to take one step forward to about five steps backward at this time. They might need advice; they need examples, but don’t jump in and solve the problem.

When do you jump in? Any sign of at –risk behavior, you jump in. Any time, when you can tell something is truly not right, stay involved until you find out what is not right. We have senses, as parents, and we can tell that something is amiss. If the clothing and make up changes; If the phone calls become more secretive; these are all alert signals. All our antennas tell us something is wrong.

This is the time for cookies and milk. This is a time for talking. You may be talking about the weather for a period of time, but they will know that you are there and you love them. Listen carefully for the types of comments you are hearing. Let them know, that you are there, you love them unconditionally, and if they have a problem you will be happy to tackle the problem with them.

This is the dumb and young time. Teenagers can get themselves in so much trouble, so rapidly that it is head spinning. Let them know that there isn’t any problem so big that it can’t be solved. It is not the end of the world. It may appear like that, but most of life issues are solvable.

If they talk, listen through their head, not yours. Wander through their thoughts, and try not to jump in until all of the thoughts are pretty much out. That again, takes time. Take the time. Echo listening is helpful. When they say, I’m just down. It is tempting to say, why? They generally are not ready to go that direct yet. You can say “you seem down”. Then be still. Listen. You can hand them another cookie. Be patient, and be still. As they slowly bring things out, be quiet and wait until they are pretty well done. Then those great words, “so what do you think should be done” can be offered. After they have pondered it, ask how you can help.

The teenager years are actually more precarious in some ways than all of the other years. Their brain is similar to a small baby, and is actually in a state of constant change. Babies sleep a lot and so do teens for this reason. It is like the brain is housecleaning and getting them prepared for adulthood. The result can be scattered thinking without much logic. Impulses are high and thinking through actions is low. It is a great time, but it is a time where the parent needs to be around ready to help and being careful to know when to help.

Early young adult age is the same. They need to learn about finances and insurance. Don’t depend on high school to prepare them for life. It won’t. You need to. All along, it is important for them to be involved in financial decisions so they know just what things cost. Family decisions and input are essential. I talked to a young woman once, who thought that the piano her parents had just bought had cost about $500 dollars when it cost $1500. She never understood the sacrifice, the scrimping and savings that it took to purchase the piano so she could start her music lessons. It is good to be transparent about money. It is also good for them to earn their own money starting with chores about the age of eight.

Don’t automatically provide the car and the insurance. Don’t automatically pay for anything. There are a small gift that we can give and that is fine and fun. Clothes, cars, cell phones, etc. all have a price tag on it that our children need to have an understanding about. Let them do the work and learn. We can be involved as parents, but involve your child!

We do pick up a lot of pieces with our teenagers, and often we need to. Think hard about when to step forward and when to step back. If you are going to pick a piece up make sure that their hands are helping to pick up the piece as well. Only on rare occasions do you jump in and pick everything up. We will address that in another article.

So, remember the wonderful time when your child is all ears, and fill them up with love, conversation, laughter and as much wisdom as you can possibly dispense. Then you will learn to offer cookies and milk as they get older along with a very available listening ear. They are our children, our brothers and sisters in the Gospel, and our friends in the long run.