These powerful words hit my thoughts as though they had been said out loud. It was one of those times that I think we all experience, looking backward at all the things we hadn’t gotten done; or hadn’t done right! The more I looked the more down I felt.
As I was walking down the hallway, feeling very down, those words hit me with a force that almost took my breath away. I stood still, and thought, “What do I do with my thoughts? Do I direct them, or do they direct me?” As a retired counselor I know that our thoughts count. In fact, thoughts can affect the chemistry in your brain to a powerful extent; either for the good or for the negative.
Here, we all are preparing for Christmas, and yet not all of us are full of good cheer. In fact, Christmas can make people almost as unhappy as it can make them happy. Why? Possibly, because Christmas isn’t about Christmas any more. It is about gifts, family get ‘together’ and decorating our homes. That isn’t bad, but it is not the main thing.
So, why can we feel alone, or disappointed? So, as I still stood in my hallway thinking about those words, look up, not down and look forward, not backward, I had a question. First of all, where did those words come from and why? The feeling was so powerful, that I felt that those words were directed towards me spiritually. That someone, who not only knew my name, but who also knew how complicated life can get was giving me points on how to survive in life as well as grow as a person.
Do we need to look backwards?
We do have to look backwards to learn from our mistakes. That is true. There are three constructive ways to look backwards: 1) Can we change anything about what we have done that has been hurtful to someone else or to our self? 2) If we can see that this is a harmful pattern of behavior that is predictable, then we have to take a bigger look at this behavior and make the decision to change it. When does it happen? Why does it happen? Even if I feel that I am justified in my reaction is my behavior really beneficial to myself? 3) How do I change my reaction to that behavior? What steps should I take?
We will hold onto very child like responses that we still use as adults. Chances are they didn’t work when we were younger and they definitely don’t work when we are older. Why do we hold onto them? We don’t bother to look, only to blame.
In counseling, there was a middle aged man who, after much thought, decided that his responses to all of his life’s trials were not much different than when he was a teenager. With that insight, he began to look at his temper; his excuses and his rational for how he treated his family. In his mind, as long as he was a decent breadwinner, then that was enough for him to worry about! To his family, though, it wasn’t enough!
The above man could be any one of us. He was brave enough to take the hard look. Both men and women stay locked into patterns that are not constructive and continue to pound away at them and others, and often they even pound themselves and wonder why they aren’t happy.
So, yes, let us look backward, but do it with purpose. Do it with the idea of changing things that can be changed.
What if you can’t go back and change it?
This is also a big issue. Sometimes we have done real damage to others and it haunts us if we look at it very deeply. In a way it haunts us whether we look at it or not. It is in the back ground and it continuously waves little tiny tentacles that say ‘remember when you did this?’
If you can’t go back and change it, or apologize for it or fix it, then take a hard look and learn from it. The 12 steps of AA have some excellent ideas for this. They talk about the wisdom to know the difference, when we can go back and change something and when we can’t. They also know that beating ourselves up either consciously or sub-consciously isn’t healthy for us.
Let it go!
So what to do? Take a personal inventory of things that you know you have done that you are ashamed about. Write them down, look at them, and then in your heart of hearts be sorry, and then let them go. You can bury the things you have written or burn them, but let them go.
I can’t go back to when I was 18 and neither can you! I don’t even know where people are that I have offended in the past. Let it go. Those are the items you need to not look back at again.
So, looking backward, make it a constructive look. Take a look and try and make it better or, take a look and if you can’t make it better than learn from it and let it go.
Looking forward with Christ as your partner
Now let’s look forward! I love tomorrows, because it is always a fresh day. A good day starts with the knowledge that Christ is always my partner in that day. Even if it doesn’t go well, He is still there.
What do we do when things go south?
We may not be able to control our children (I say that in a somewhat jesting manner); we may not always have 100% from our spouse; what we can have is 100% of ourselves and the choice to whether look forward or not. You can even have a crummy day and the decision to look forward is still an option. O Happy Day!
Looking up and not down
This one is different, because this doesn’t entail action but thoughts. It is using the spiritual tools we have at our disposal in a very troubled world. It is easy to be depressed in the world we live in with the onslaught of negative news available 24/7. Our Heavenly Father knows this and has two simple words: Look up!
In looking up, we have to keep the main thing, the main thing. First we are children of our Heavenly Father and he has sent us here to learn. What are we to learn? Choice is a gift given to us but that also means we get the consequences of choice. These may not be our choices that affect us. The world is full of people around us who have abused their choices and we often bear the consequence of those choices.
When we look at the world’s choice (which means looking at people) we look at war; misuse of money for selfish purposes; we see heartache from addiction. We feel the aloneness of divorce. Even though all these things are here, still, look up! We always have purpose and choice ourselves. We can be good and do good.
Oh, the Be Good and the Do good! It is the answer to surviving life!
In my darkest moments and in my best moments I try hard to keep that the by- line of my life. Be good and do good. Many times I don’t want to do good. I don’t want to do anything at all. We all have those days. We all get disappointed by life. Yet, being good and doing good is a power in and of itself. It keeps us closer to the spirit which blesses us. Live to be blessable. We don’t have to be perfect. Being good and doing good is not being perfect. It is just trying to do the best we can. We all are in different situations. No matter what the situation is, be it war or peace, we can be good and do good. In divorce, we can be good and do good. In good times we can be good and do good. It doesn’t matter. Just do it! At least that is what I have learned.
We are less alone than we realize!
In this looking up, we will notice that we have someone by our side almost all the time. We are never truly alone. Not only do we have our Heavenly Father, but we have those who have passed on who understand how hard life is. I know from personal experience that there are great cheerleaders that are communicating to us one way or another that we can finish this race. We are good and we can do good and there are good things ahead of us! They understand. They have been there. Our Christ has been there as well. He didn’t have it easy; had a very tough go of it; wasn’t believed by those who should have recognized him, and then crucified; yet, he knew he was part of the plan for us to have hope and to carry on.
We forget! Have hope!
We forget all of these things often. We spend too much time looking backward and looking down. No matter what situation we are in, we can change this approach and it will change our lives.
If you are experiencing life’s trials, Look up, know that someone is looking back and loving you. It doesn’t matter if it is addiction, abuse, war, divorce or whatever. “You can do it” is the message from our God “but you have to make the step. I will help support you. I will carry you part of the way. Just make the step and if you have to make it over and over, I will not leave.”
Those steps are often very individualistic and spirit driven. They can involve self-help groups or therapy. Again, a great AA saying: “Let go and Let God!” If you are in a middle of a divorce: Let go and Let God. You can feel his words of love: “You can survive this. You are not alone. Look up and you will see that you are not alone. I am with you.”
There are so many trials in life, but there are so many blessings. There is so much bad, and yet so much good. Take a week, and put this effort into your life. Your anxiety will lessen; your down times will begin to lift, and life will look a little brighter. Every day, look up, look forward and have a great day!
Make it a Merry Christmas for yourself.
One Christmas, I was alone with my cat, which I was not terribly fond of, but he had adopted me. Young, and not near my family, I was very down. I decided, since I was living in a trailer court that I would knock on every door and say “Merry Christmas!” It wasn’t easy and I felt dumb at first.
The response was amazing. Every person invited me in; we visited; they gave me something to eat; from hot chocolate to candy. It took me about three hours. Many others were alone as well. We laughed, and by the time I went home I felt like it was a good Christmas. There were no presents, nor a special dinner that made it good. Giving was what changed everything and made it a special moment anyway.
Merry Christmas from my heart to yours; May we all be grateful to HIM, the greatest gift giver of all.
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